Goal

Illuminate the beauty of Gods light and love, through engaging artwork and transparent journey in the written word.

Gain

Give hope and connection that they are not alone, there is light at the end, and gain wisdom to save similar pain.

Greetings

Hi, My name is Jennifer Lude. If you are here in curiosity, searching for something more, or boredom, there are no accidents. Something that you may read will speak to your heart, everything i write maybe unpolished, but it is truth. My writings are very personal to me, as I have difficulty articulating my feelings and struggles. Observing my life, much of what i may say, is surprising, as I have spent much of my life hiding struggles behind a mask of strength or projected frustration. I am an enigma to most, ( INFJ) what is on the outside is a glossed overview of the tormented torrent on the inside. Feeling life Elsa from Frozen....

I would be free, if I could just let go of this paralyzing fear of insecurity, judgement, and perfectionism. "If they only knew," I would ponder, "would they see me the same?" I am my own worst enemy, my husband always tells me, it doesn't have to be perfect. Inside my mind is screaming, but it DOES. My fragile glass house of forgetting, not dealing, and moving on will shatter. And so it has, but not in the way you think. It wasn't kicking and screaming, it was out of love that gave me the strength to face my darkest fears...MYSELF.

Mirror Mirror

I have spent most of my life re-acting, instead of choosing a course of action before an occasion occurs. With every life event, stress mounted and i let it build. Physical pain, (stuff, distract and forget), broken relationships, (repeat), failed expectations, repeating the same self limiting actions. It worked for a while, until I had forgotten so much of myself, I essentially self limbotomized and cauterized my personality. I was left with an unrecognizable shell, hating who I had become and bitterness set in. Meanwhile, my family observed helplessly, as i kept making the same mistakes. Any attempts to help, tremors began and my volcano erupted. I lived in self isolation, afraid of letting anyone in, but to afraid to go out.

Fortress of Solitude

Bricking myself into my impenetrable fortress of solitude, someone peeked inside. An artist friend, saw beyond the façade calling my bluff. I had a bad case of RBF, suspicious of his kind heart and helpful nature, I shrugged him off. Frazzled and over stretched, in his genuine persistence i accepted his help. IN my self guarded suspicion, I thought he was trying to side step me, taking what i had worked to hard to build. Lacking stress management, people skills, support and communication, i burnt out. Michael saw my exhaustion, I learned to trust, gaining a valuable ally and friendship. That year, I learned a lot about my limitations, communication, but mostly much needed confidence, determination and self value.

Empowerment